What better time to come out of a blogging hiatus than in Kauai, where I literally have nothing but down time (that’s me kind of complaining about having too much downtown on family vacation)? My absence from writing on here has been the result of my efforts to be more present in my real life. The end of the school year threw a lot at me, and it was just better for me to try to focus on real life.
Other than interning from home this summer and planning for recruitment, I’ve tried my best to do absolutely nothing (besides a lot of Netflix and trips to Whole Foods) in hopes of healing from the insane spring quarter I had. I say spring quarter, but I mean entire junior year.
I’d say I reached my breaking point just in time for finals week. I always have such good timing!!! The strange part about this breaking point was that I had felt like it was my like 10th breaking point. I just felt like I’d been there so many times already, and every time I would figure out a new solution and come out of it with some sort of false energy I gathered from who knows where and a new way of fixing whatever needed to be fixed, only to find myself at a brand new breaking point weeks later. But this time I really had nothing left – no new solutions and no more energy.
I finally gave up, and then I realized that that was all I needed to do all along. I needed to stop trying so hard. I needed to stop coming up with my own ways of fixing things, stop reading books that were supposed to help me, and stop doing things that I thought would make me feel better. I needed to stop trying because no matter how hard I try I can’t fix anything on my own.
I spent the year trying in hopes of fixing things faster, because I had a hard time not being in control of the timing of my own life. I was so eager for things to get better – so eager for life to slow down; so eager for more free time; so eager for something new to happen – that all I could do was fight, but it got me nowhere. Taking my life in to my own hands got me nowhere. Despite my greatest efforts to fix things, my greatest plans for things to turn around were not succeeding.
I had to stop fighting, but in reality, the greatest part was I got to stop fighting. It’s not my job to get myself together. I don’t need to do anything but let Him do everything. I knew that giving up didn’t mean things would finally get better, but I know that I’ll get there when I’m supposed to get there.